1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
3. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
4. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
5. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
6. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
7. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
8. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
9. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
12. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
16. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
17. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
18. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
19. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
20. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
21. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
22. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
23. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
24. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
25. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
26. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
27. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
28. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
29. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
30. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
31. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience
32. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain
33. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins
34. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone
35. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
36. Chuck Norris can drown a fish
37. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
38. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
39. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul
40. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
(my all time fav) If you can see CHUCK NORRIS, CHUCK NORRIS can see you. If you can't see him, you may be seconds away from death
Once Chuck Norris went to the Superbowl. He beat the Steelers 45 to 3.
Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. If he should fall the concrete will get out of his way
They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unless Chuck Norris is on the other side, in which case the grass is soaked with blood and tears.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
There are in fact five elemental forces; Strong, weak, electromagnetic, gravitation and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is now measuring tropical storms and hurricanes in categories of Norris Roundhouse Kicks (NRK).
Chuck Norris bends light through sheer willpower.
The driving method portrayed by the Flintstones was actually pioneered by Chuck Norris. Chuck was unable to find an engine that would be able to power his vehicle via either beard or roundhouse kick. Chuck instead roundhouse kicks the ground in a flutter motion, thereby propelling his vehicle forward at a high rate of speed. This has led to Chuck winning the Nextel Cup since its' inception.
Chuck Norris came to my BBQ last summer, ate all the red hot charcoal out of the grill and then proceeded to fart out large diamonds for the ladies in the awe-struck crowd.
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's hassles.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.
Black holes are stars hiding from the gaze of Chuck Norris.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter
Chuck Norris can fly, he simply chooses not to.
When a germ or infection enters Chuck Norris' bloodstream, his white blood cells simply stare at it, and it leaves.
"Chuck Norris" is a safe word that works for all jungle beasts.
Black cats do not cross Chuck Norris' path.
When Chuck Norris' remote control batteries die, the remote continues to function out of pure terror.
For every answer on the SAT test, write in "Chuck Norris". You will automatically score a 1600.
Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.
Chuck Norris once hit a little-known actor named Bart Eubanks so hard that he's still swollen and black and blue from head to toe to this very day; this man is now known as Mr. T.
Global warming isn't caused by human emissions; Chuck Norris simply scares ozone.
The only reason there's a Gulf of Mexico is that Chuck Norris wanted beachfront property for his ranch in Texas. The moment he decided this, a quarter of the continent sunk to avoid a roundhouse kick.
There is no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris can eat only one Lays potato chip.
Chuck Norris once got a flat tire on the New Jersey Turnpike. That's why he made the rest of the country hate New Jersey. They've been collecting tolls ever since in hopes of raising enough payoff money in case it ever happens again.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bad memory. Anything he forgets never happened.
Chuck Norris was crossing the road one day and invented the short bus.
Chuck Norris Federal Credit Union (CNFCU) has no collections department. The dumbest man alive isn't dumb enough to default on a payment to CNFCU.
Chuck Norris holds the world record for the most honorary college degrees, he has every degree for every college worldwide. Not that he wants them, but they were given on the off chance that he might.
It's a little known, but well documented fact that on Mount Rushmore, over 50% of George Washington's face is in fact spray painted bondo. Someone made the mistake of betting Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat rocks, and he proved him really, really wrong.
Chuck Norris's hands and feet are NOT registered deadly weapons. No man lives who can make him register. And you don't register the obvious.
Continents only drift to get away from Chuck Norris.
The moment Chuck Norris stops visualizing the universe, it will cease to exist.
Some people whitewash fences. Chuck Norris just walks by.
When Chuck Norris flexes a muscle, the displaced air forms a shockwave loud enough to deafen anyone standing within seven feet.
Chuck Norris is living proof that boots AREN'T made for walkin'. They're made for kickin'.
When Chuck Norris thinks happy thoughts, even B.B. King stops singing the blues.
Chuck Norris knows where the beef is.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' about.
Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.
Chuck Norris loves Police Academy 2. This is the only reason why Steve Guttenberg is still alive.
Chuck Norris knows what rhymes with orange.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? 17.
Chuck Norris is against human cloning simply because two of him would unravel the fabric of the universe.
Chuck Norris can listen to Vogon poetry.
Chuck Norris will not "be right back after these messages." He'll be back when he's good and ready. And you will be grateful for it. If you turn the channel, be prepared to face the wrath of Chuck.
The Mississippi River was carved out of the earth by the tears of the widows of Chuck Norris' victims.
Chuck Norris knows what's in the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, after all he's 5 of them.
A lot of people think it was a dragon that killed Beowulf. But it was actually Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris is around Weebles fall down.
Chuck Norris is more certain than death or taxes.
Bigfoot didn't believe in Chuck Norris. That was his first mistake.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
It only takes Chuck Norris one roundhouse kick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll flavored Tootsie Pop.
Chuck Norris is capable of delivering a roundhouse kick over standard TCP/IP.
Telemarketers do not call Chuck Norris attempting to sell a product. They call asking for forgiveness.
Chuck Norris has his cake and eats it too.
The 'Red Button' Ronald Reagan had installed in his presidential desk didn't launch nuclear weapons; it launched Chuck Norris.
The Chinese built the Great Wall of China to try and keep Chuck Norris out. Of course, it didn't work, and with a single karate chop, Chuck Norris reduced all their wooden houses into little sticks. To this day, Chinese people eat with 'chop sticks' so they'll always remember the price of irritating Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
Never play a game of Sorry! with Chuck Norris. It can only end in tears. Yours.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
All three Laws of Robotics actually end with, "Or suffer the Wrath of Chuck Norris."
When Meat Loaf said that he'd do anything for love, but that he wouldn't do "that," he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.
Land speed records are created by those trying to flee from Chuck Norris.
Viruses are afraid of getting Chuck Norris in their inboxes.
Chuck Norris can leave home without it.
There are actually 6 tornado categories: 1-5 and Chuck Norris. What is the Chuck Norris like? Nobody will ever know for sure.
Chuck Norris consistently wins at Monopoly owning only Marvin's Gardens as property.
Chuck Norris was Darth Vader's father.
The reason the aborigines won't let you take their picture ----> Chuck Norris.
4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend not getting Chuck Norris angry. The fifth one? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lathers and rinses, but doesn't have to repeat.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In the Library. With a roundhouse kick."
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.