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moosehead 03-17-2011 05:25 PM

Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
My wife is amused by how much tinkering I seem to be doing to a brand new vehicle. She alternates between calling me a redneck, pimp my ride dood, or old man reliving my youth. She also thinks the Borla exhaust needs to go to Midas to be “fixed” and cannot understand the efforts made to turn the Jeep into a musclecar. Whatever. Wait till I try to convince her a 6 month old WK2 needs to be replaced with the 2012 SRT8.

Good thing she doesn’t know that I secretly like to drag race every blue-hair, rice-burner, and Camaro/Mustang/Porsche that happens to toe the line alongside the Beast at a stoplight. Years ago I got pulled over for speeding with my kids in the car, she nearly left me then. Prolly shouda.

I’ve pretty much mastered thumping the old ladies in Coupe ‘de Villes, Crown Vics, and other 508 cubic inch boats. Same for any V6 SUV, or oversized buildings on wheels such as Tahoes, Excursions, and stretch Escalades. Child’s play. (Sorry Techno, but you’ll be happy to know that I do have to pull into two gas stations before the finish line when drag racing against a Pentastar).

It gets a bit tougher when you’re up against a Cayenne Turbo, new skool Mustang, or other fairly fast, light vehicle. Sometimes, you gotta use stealth and literally catch folks off guard, most of whom scoff at the notion of a 5k lb SUV trying to give ‘er a go. Having the kids seats in the back can help disguise the Hemi, so long as they don’t see the Recaro badge. Many aren’t yet familiar with the new WK2 and just think it’s an X5 on steroids. Other times, it helps to use both overall hulking size and rumbling exhaust to intimidate your competition. Just depends on which battle you may be facing on any given day.

Just yesterday, though, things got dicey. Unbeknown to yours truly, a purple Hyundai Sonata slid up alongside the Beast. It was as quiet as a hybrid, and as unremarkable as a wall flower. I probably wouldn’t have noticed it whatsoever, but recalled a recent JG thread where someone warned about the blazingly fast Sonata ľ mile times in one of the ubiquitous Hemi vs. the world threads. Crap. Imma gonna get smoked by a Hyundai. Especially with this Costco load in the back and the skiis stuffed into the roof rack.

This could be really bad. Quick look around to see if anyone is watching, don’t want too many witnesses to watch the can of whup ass this thing is gonna put on the Jeep. Frantic pilot checklist pre-launch: Sport Mode? Check. Tow Button? Check. Manual 1st Gear? Check. Nitrous? Oops, didn’t get that mod done yet! Palms sweating. Trying to desperately to anticipate the light. Here we go, it’s on!

So Who Wins?

Whaaa? Oh, nothing honey. (Forgot that my bride was in the passenger seat). Lucky day for Sonata boy. We’ll get him next time.

Marlin 03-17-2011 05:30 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
Haha, I really like you Moose :)

GR33N D3M0N 03-17-2011 05:40 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
i always laugh when i read your threads!

08Hemi 03-17-2011 05:48 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
you are classic moosey...still laugh at your "dropping the kids off dream"

ksojeep 03-17-2011 05:56 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
If your wife's head was in your lap she would not have know you were racing....don't tell my wife I said that.

GR33N D3M0N 03-17-2011 05:56 PM


Cperez 03-17-2011 06:41 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?

Originally Posted by moosehead (Post 377858)
Whaaa? Oh, nothing honey. (Forgot that my bride was in the passenger seat). Lucky day for Sonata boy. Weíll get him next time.

Another Insta-Classic, Moose.:lol:

Here's a mod I'd like to see-- disable the chime when shifting into Sport mode--that tattle-tale chime that alerts the entire cabin to my intentions and triggers a cascade of individual Pavlovian responses from my family:

14 y.o. son: "Awesomesauce, Dad!" combined with a prairie-dog-like move where he jerks up from texting and his head swivels around to see who I might be racing;

16 y.o. daughter: "Is that a good example for when I get the keys for myself next month, Dad?" delivered in signature sarcastic world-weary tone reserved for oldest daughters;

"n" y.o. wife: <nonverbal "I dare you" look askance with raised eyebrow, followed by disgusted sigh as she glares out of her window>

For these and other reasons (i.e., the broomstick handle treatment I get every time I fill up), I've been choosing my battles carefully. Someone has to just be asking for it to earn a Hemi-Time Dustoff.:thumbsup:

7upstang 03-17-2011 06:54 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
Moose, funny stuff. Why hit the "tow button"?

As I screen name states my other car is a 1990 Limited Edition "7up" Mustang. I too am a stop light racer, although having kids definitely took some wind out of those sails.

Your post reminded me of a great summer night. I'm out by myself cruising around and I notice "johnny ricer" picking on a stock mustang convertible. Its a GT, but I know the owner and he has to be in his 80's. Every light the kids would yell out the window and say crap to him. Finally I saw my chance. The old guy got in the left turning lane and the kids were going to go straight. I rolled up in between the two and was going straight also. I had the windows down already (top up so my roll bar is not as noticeable. Johnny ricer & co. is still mouthing off. I say to the old guy, "I'll take over from here". He smiles. I turn my gaze to pimples. This was before I put the supercharger on, but naturally aspirated it dynoed at 358 hp (at the rear wheels, well over 400 at the flywheel). I took great pains to keep the car looking stock. Stock hood, no decals, etc. Even the Dynomax exhaust sounds stock until I drop the hammer.
I do the quick glance around for any L.E.O., left foot on the clutch, right tipping on the brake while leaning on the gas. Bring RPM's to 3500. Light goes green and I sidestep the clutch and full loud pedal. Now I run on Mickey Thompson ET street drag radials so there is virtually no spin. I have a car and a half on the ricer before I grab second. There's another light coming up which I could probably make, but I slow down for round 2.
Well, well the garbage pail kids are not happy. "Bla...blah...blah (I really don't care what their saying)". This time I tell the kid to go ahead and leave first, get a head start. Their retort was "F you, blah bla bla".
I get my self ready. Light goes green he's off. I give him a good two cars before I switch it to KILL. As I grab second gear I'm going around him and I pull even. I blip the throttle, grab third while I wave goodbye.

Damn, got the juices flowing just remembering it. To bad wifes out of town or I'd release the kracken.

STIX 03-17-2011 07:13 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
Leaving the city today I watched a ricer try to take on a ferrari out of the nj turnpike tolls. Guess who won

Sometimes I wonder what these idiots are thinking. A ferrari? Seriously?

Chi-One 03-17-2011 07:36 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
"while I wave goodbye."

Very similiar to a lyric in the song "Spring Little Cobra."

Cherodude 03-17-2011 08:07 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?
What a coincidence! My WK2 is in for service (they even had to keep it longer than expected to get more Chrysler advice, etc. -- for the 430N iPod port). And guess what car the rental guys gave me - a 2011 Sonata. That thing can really move! Rice burner? More like rice rocket in sheep's clothing! Don't push one unless you want to get in deep with it.

But i'm not trading my WK2 -- and a V6 at that. Let's see the Sonata do my 400 yard country lane with 10 inches of snow on it.

wjs81866 03-17-2011 08:21 PM

Re: Yea itís a Hemi, Wanna Race?

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